Seriously, I am fasting. I wish I could say it was for some noble cause like getting Don Rickles on the Illinois primary ballot or maybe banishing Danza to some remote island, but alas, the reason is neither.
I am embarking on the personal challenge that is the Master Cleanse. Yes, I know this is ridiculous. Or are you ridiculous? Or is that show on FOX where they strap people up to a lie detector machine and ask them questions like, "Is your wife fat?" when she is sitting right there and clearly is fat, Ridiculous? huh?
So as you read this, know that I am enjoying a wonderful blend of Grade B maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and distilled water. And will be for the next 10 days. Ah, the drink of the clean innards gods.
Over the next 10 days I hope to chronicle my journey into the nonchewing abyss. I will do everything I can to stop myself from posting pictures of my... "waste"... although I will provide a count of how many times it happens along with any of the side effects that are sure to test my will. I hope to discover the difference between pain and pangs. I have never been so excited about my own excrement as I am right now. I want to go as much as I can over the next 10 days. Which brings me to a question for you, one of those I hold closest to me and will cybershare this experiment with you. How should I refer to poop? bowl movement sounds too doctory, poop too 2nd grade, dung to African plains, crap too Tennesse. Right now I am leaning towards the hand crafted term excrementated... but I think that is weak.
I weighed myself last night at 171. Then I promptly went out to dinner and ate all the sushi and miso soup that my gullet would hold, knowing that it was my last meal for 10 days.
So here goes nothing, feel free to mock me or offer words of support. Ask questions or throw stuff at me. Any way you slice it, I am not eating for the next 10 days. I am expecting MLK day to be the hardest... but isn't it always?
But isn't it always?
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3 comments:
In response to your question regarding the appropriate nomenclature for this most natural of bodily functions I am firmly in the in the “Lool” camp. I am willing to caucus for “lool”. I don’t know what it means to caucus, but that is a topic of another conversation.
I have recently been educated on the master cleanse, and I understand that you have some very interesting lools in your future. I have heard analogies to “snake skin” as you may actually shed a layer of skin from your intestines. No, I do not want to see any pictures; there are websites for that, such as ratemypoo.com, but again, that’s a topic for another conversation.
Best of luck to you my friend. I look forward to many exrementatious progress reports.
hey..if you run out of the grade B i have connections up here in maple syrup land..a lady who sells grade B specifically for cleansing, shall i say "experiements"..i am quite impressed with your will and i will be sending you my master master cleanse vibes...all the best in your endeavor...try some yoga poses to get things moving...lotus perhaps...maybe a gentle twist to encoursge the intestines to do their thing..i would rather see photos of you doing that than of your poop...i mean excrement...
Me, I would call it Sheeit. I don't normally, but if I were you I would call it Sheeit. Because I have a feeling that at some point you are gonna be fighting your intestines to the death. Fighting hard and fast at first and with a great potential for succumbing to their wrath. I say to you. When that epic battle culminates, squeeze harder the lemon. Pepper harder the cayenne. And when the snakeskin emerges from your burning sphincter, yell “Sheeit!” like O.J. did. “Sheeit!” like ten whores in a snowstorm. “Sheeit!” for you are the pride of man. And soon to be much skinnier.
Post pictures of the snakeskin please.
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